Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear Mariah Carey

Dear Mariah Carey,
I think that everyone, give or take a few floozies, can agree that 11 out of our 12 months you are, to put it simply, hi-larry-us. Your songs give us lyrical gifts including "Why are you so obsessed with me?" and "Shoe do do do do do do do." You cut the top of your jeans off instead of the bottom (jorts reference). Your shirts don't fit. You married Nick Cannon. All of this is comical gold. Gold. And by no means am I unappreciative of the laughs you give me and my blood sisters and my bff sisters. Do you, Mariah. Just know that I'm making fun of you, January - November.
.....But when December rolls around and I turn on lite 102, I literally hear music to my ears. Everything you've done for the past year is forgotten and my sarcasm is melted into utmost respect. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you.
I don't care if you're Jewish, Kwanzan, Christian, an Atheist, a believer that Tim Allen really is Santa Claus or a non believer ....when that song comes on your mood is lifted 3 notches and you are looking for someone to sing it to. I have never in my life been more reminded of how musically non-talented I am, than during the 3 minutes and 55 seconds that this song is being played, and yet somehow the song makes all that okay. It somehow makes it okay to be alone at Christmas. Somehow, it makes it okay to have a cartoon music video.
Without this song, there would be empty, silent kitchens when there should be women baking cookies in them. Without this song, there would be empty Facebook statuses on girls' pages. Without this song, my dad would have nothing to listen to in the background of his nightly spider solitaire game (December only. January - November it's Leona Lewis' Bleeding Love).
I guess you could call this song a Christmas miracle. It has lassoed my heart and won't let go. So, thank you, Mariah Carey. If it weren't for this song, the Grinch probably would have successfully stolen Christmas.

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