Thursday, December 23, 2010

Dear Santa Claus

Dear Santa Claus,

Merry Christmas Eve Eve! I’m sorry my list is late, but at least I’m sending it. These are the things I would like this year:

  • World peace
  •  A winning lottery ticket for at least 5 million dollars
  •  A super bowl win for the Ravens
  • Santa Blanket
  • Jason Segel
  •  60 lbs extra weight on my ex boyfriend’s new model girlfriend
  • Bob Harper living with me so that I will do everything right to have the perfect body
  •  J. Crew’s collection for each season shipped to my house
  • Tickets to Medieval Times
  • And more drinking themed nights at the Science Center

    Santa Blanket

For the items that you can’t wrap, if you could just write down what it is on a piece of paper and put that in a box to wrap so I still get to open it, I’d appreciate it.

And just some clarifications on certain items: Jason Segel doesn’t necessarily have to be my boyfriend but I’d like to be at least really good friends with him and for us to have a loving relationship. But if he is romantically interested and asks me to run away together, I would. Bob Harper will be coming with us.

Thanks Santa.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear Best Friend's Boyfriend


Dear Best Friend’s Boyfriend,

Yesterday, when you called me….initially I was confused. Do I like you? Yes. Do I consider you a friend? Yes. Do we ever call each other? No, we don’t. Plus, I was in the middle of an Always Sunny episode when my phone rang so you understand why I didn’t answer…. But ten minutes later my phone receives a text message from you. Let me remind you what it said: “Hey, do you know what size ring she is?”
I freeze. You must know where my thoughts immediately go. Its Christmas time, you love my amazing best friend….. why wouldn’t I immediately assume that you are trying to, as Beyonce says, “put a ring on it”? Am I crazzzy? No, I’m not crazy. You’re going to ask my best friend to marry you. I mute the tv and am taken to the wedding day.  I see you on the altar and we’re waiting for her to come down. How did this happppen? Selfishly I get upset because I’m losing another best friend and marriage opens up a completely new can of worms that I do not understood. I’m single. I’m alone. I have zero prospects. My last date was a disaster and you want me to give you my blessing to take her hand in holy matrimony. You’re crazy mister!! No I’m not telling you her ring size!!!!!!!!

I text back, “Are you about to do what I think you are about to do?” I patiently await your answer. What am I going to do when you say you’re going to propose to her? Do I tell her so she can be prepared or do I keep it a secret so it’s special? How soon are you guys going to get married? I have a solid thirty pounds to lose before this wedding so I need some time. Not a full minute goes by when I receive another text. I stared at the unopened message from you. This is it. “Haha no no no!!! It’s a shiva shell ring for Christmas.”

Oh. Oh she’s going to looooove that. Really thoughtful gift. “Good idea!! She’s a seven.” Then you texted a picture of it next to the necklace you’re getting her as well. And you explain the other two attentive presents you’re also putting in her stocking. Merry Christmas to her. I text back, “Such considerate presents!! She’ll seriously wear those all the time – shes a very lucky girl!” Relaxed and happy that my best friend has such a great guy, I un-mute the Always Sunny episode. Then I receive one last text message, “Well I have to disagree with you there – I’m the lucky one.”  ………………………….. “Okay, now I’m going to barf. But good job on the present.”
You really need to be more careful about wording your text messages. Can’t wait for your wedding one day.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dear Total Lunar Eclipse

Dear Total Lunar Eclipse,

Xzibit: Still living?
Today’s date, December 21, 2010, marks a date in history.  This is the date that you have arrived for basically only North America’s viewing pleasure. Thanks for playing favorites. I love America too.

I’m not sure if you’re completely aware, but you are a rare specimen and a sight to see.  So, when I learned that you would be arriving in the middle of the night, I did nothing other than to make plans with my roommate to set our alarms for the middle of the night to come see you.

In preparation, what I had to do was a little research on you. Yes, I knew what an eclipse was. But off the top of my head could I freely explain what one was? No. Sue me.

I did no messing around and went straight to for my research. Only the best. Click, click, click….here I am at an illustration of specifically what you look like: Boom. That site is lots of things I don’t understand but it looks awesome. I kept that tab open for reference but then just went to Wikipedia and brushed up on this, “A lunar eclipse occurs when the moon passes behind the earth so that the earth blocks the sun's rays from striking the moon. This can occur only when the Sun, Earth, and Moon are aligned exactly, or very closely so, with the Earth in the middle. Hence, there is always a full moon the night of a lunar eclipse. The type and length of an eclipse depend upon the Moon's location relative to its orbital nodes.” Orbital nodes totally sounds like something they’d eat on Fear Factor during the second challenge.

Satisfied with my research, my roommate and I went to our bed chambers and slept. I get awakened at around 2:30 a.m. by my roommate gently walking; we have notably thin divisions in our house. I put on boots and my thickest coat and we head up to our rooftop deck to see you.

Instantly upon viewing you I am completely satisfied with the decision to wake up to see you. You are beautiful and orange and I have this strange urge that I can pick you out of the sky and eat you as if you really were made of cheese; it is a feeling of joy. My roommate is taken aback as well, but in a different sense; more eerie. She keeps asking me if I’m freaked out; as if you are going to send an orange beam right for us and snatch us into your shadows. I ignored her question because I was in awe of how awesome earth/space science was. Then I pushed my glasses up further on my nose and picked a wedgie.

Probably giving more credit to my naked eye than I should, I announce to my roommate that I feel as if I can see you getting darker and darker as we stand here. Her response, “Well, it’s going to get completely blacked out.” After about five full Mississippi seconds of pausing, I reply, “The moon is soooo drunk.” We had a good laugh on that one.

After that laugh, we got bored and decided to go back to bed. Also, I owe my roommate an apology for ignoring her when she was freaked out….. because as I was locking our roof deck door, I got a whiff of being freaked out and completely rushed as I used to do when I was a little girl trying to frantically get out of the unfinished basement.

We said goodnight and returned to our rooms. I turned on the television to calm down from all your excitement and Lopez Tonight pops up (TBS is typical for me for The Office re-runs). I was getting ready to change it, but the guest was Xzibit from Pimp My Ride…..I didn’t know he was still alive, let alone, in the entertainment business!!!…then I remembered that it’s Lopez Tonight that he’s on and everything made sense.     I laughed out loud, and on that note, I turned off the tube, rolled over and fell asleep smiling thanks to you and Xzibit. Without you guys, my night would have been mediocre at best; but now, it’s one marked for history.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear Last Night's Date

Five Guys' large fry. Perfect for a first date.

Dear Last Night's Date,
No, I can't go out with you again. I've made a list of the top ten reasons last night's first date didn't quite work out. This is for all the ladies who may go on a first date with you in the future. Feel free to print it and carry it with you always......maybe in your wallet?
10. "Sure, I'll meet up with you tonight. Where do you want to go?"....."Meet me at Dave & Busters." ..........."What? Oh...okay.."
If I start making fun of Dave & Busters I won't stop... so I'm just going to leave #10 as is.
9. As we first meet up, you walk up to me while talking on your phone, you hug me, pull away and say to the person you're talking to, "Yeah man, I gotta roll, I found my girl" and then you winked at me. ..................What?
Good thing you showed up on your phone so I know you have friends and your time is limited. And I must be crazy because I didn't know that agreeing to one date means I'm your girl? Am I supposed to wink back at you? I don't.....I don't understand.
8. Without even saying hi, you say, "Change of plans, we're going to Five Guys. Can you drive us?"...................What?
Five Guys: delicious cheeseburgers and greasy fries. Exactly what I want to be eating on a first date. Not. I love Five Guys, I do. But Five Guys is where I go when I'm in a fat mood and want to stuff my face and have stretchy pants on. There's peanut dust on the floor and obese people staring at me. You put ketchup all over the fries without asking. That is the worst thing you could ever do to me; there's nothing I hate more than ketchup. I still don't understand why I drove us from Dave & Busters to Five Guys, by the way.
7. "You look like a girl who likes traditional guys so I'm going to offer you my arm." ..."You're right, I do, thank you." ..........I get elbowed square in the boob. I assume it's an accident and that neither of us will say anything......................."Haha I accidentally just elbowed you in the boob. It was nice, I'm glad it happened."..........."What?"
You're shameless.
6. While sitting in Five Guys, "Hey I want you to take off your coat." ...."Take off my coat? It's cold outside!" ...."No no no, we're inside, take off your coat. I want to see your figure." ....."You want to see my figure?"...."Yeah, I want to know what I'll be working with in a couple of weeks."............"What?"
My coat stayed on the entire night.
5. While sitting across from each other, in Five Guys, you BBM'd me to ask if you could kiss me. .............."What?"
I just witnessed you eating an obscene amount of ketchup. It's bad enough that you asked to kiss me but you BBM'd the question while we are looking at each other. That's only fun if there's someone else in the picture and we are BBMing about that third person to make fun of them. That's actually a really amusing hobby of mine. I'm sorry that the BBM is marked as read and that I never responded..... but no, you can't kiss me in Five Guys.
4. This part of the night was kind of weird when you asked me...."Have you heard the new Glenn Lewis song?"............."Oh I don't know who Glenn Lewis is..?" ....."He is a sexy R&B singer." ..."Hm no I've never heard of him."......"Well his new song reminds me of you." ......."Is that a good thing or?.." ......"Oh yeah girl, look up the lyrics when you get home. It's called Good One."........"Oh, alright.."
3. You purposely showed me that you put my number in your phone as "Beautiful Brown Eyes" instead of my name.
Thank you?
2. We met at a bar. You asked if we could lie to people...."I hate that we met at a bar. Lets make up a story right now about how we met and we'll tell everyone that version so we don't have to say we met at a bar. Let's say we met at the Smithsonian in front of their latest exhibition."...................."You want to.....what?"
I'm not sure why you are under the impression we will be telling the story of how we met in the first place, because we won't be. We met at a bar and our story will not be repeated to anyone beyond this blog. So sorry. The Smithsonian is very unrealistic, by the way. I'm the girl and even I recognize that that is straight out of a romantic comedy and it is neverrr going to happen.
1. "How do you feel about having bi-racial babies? They're usually a lot prettier and way smarter than other babies." .................................."Holy moly man I cannot answer this question." ....."Hah did I scare you?" ..........
Yes. Goodnight. See you never. Thanks for the burger.

Dear Boy Lyrics of "Baby It's Cold Outside"

Get me out of here

Much to the pleasure of my roommates, singing in the shower is a very active hobby of mine, and at a very high volume. Naturally at this time of year, since we are in the midst of the Christmas season, I am exclusively singing Christmas carols. I'm really not all that picky-choosy; I like all of them. Even that awful rendition of the 12 Days of Christmas about everything everyone hates about Christmas; it's very negative, but sometimes true. I have a hangover right now, on, good job to them. I also had a terrible time stringing up my lights this year and got electrocuted twice because the bulbs broke and I accidentally touched the inside. I felt weird. My house looks good though.
But yesterday, while wrapping up some Bing Crosby and David Bowie, Dean Martin started transitioning onto the radio, singing his hit Baby It's Cold Outside. I am a fan of this song, to say the least. It's always been this cute love song about a couple that didn't want the night to end. Precious. So, I'm singing along, girl parts only, and I start dreaming about actually being that girl in love (I've been dreaming a lot lately, probably because I just watched Inception for the first time the day before yesterday. Dreams on the brain.) I'm singing and I'm listening to the boy sing his parts... and I'm singing and listening and singing and.............then I start feeling very uncomfortable. This guy that is trying to get me to stay over his house is super creepy and I want to go home right now. This song is no longer a Christmas dream of mine. This song is a Christmas nightmare.
Dear Boy Lyrics of "Baby It's Cold Outside",
I am telling you over and over that I cannot stay and you are just telling me it's cold outside. I know it's cold outside, dude, it's winter. My mom is worried, my father is pacing the floor and my neighbors are fainting: this is not a good situation. You sound like The Situation, actually.
I briefly give in and say I'll have half a drink more because you're being super annoying. I ask you a friendly, simple question, "say, what's in this drink?" and your reply is "no cabs to be had out there." What? That does not answer my question at all. I'm being roofied, I bet. I start wishing I knew how to "break this spell" and you're taking my hat off when I obviously will have hat head. I don't believe you when you say that my hair looks swell....there's no way.
Lend me a coat, because this is how rumors get spread. I don't care that the snow is up to my knees; if I got here at the beginning of the night I knew it was snowing....snow up to my knees doesn't just drop down pre-measured. Please stop trying to convince me I'm going to get pneumonia and die. That is an overreaction. I'm leaving, it can't be that cold outside.

I still like the song. But that boy is super sketch.

Dear Mariah Carey

Dear Mariah Carey,
I think that everyone, give or take a few floozies, can agree that 11 out of our 12 months you are, to put it simply, hi-larry-us. Your songs give us lyrical gifts including "Why are you so obsessed with me?" and "Shoe do do do do do do do." You cut the top of your jeans off instead of the bottom (jorts reference). Your shirts don't fit. You married Nick Cannon. All of this is comical gold. Gold. And by no means am I unappreciative of the laughs you give me and my blood sisters and my bff sisters. Do you, Mariah. Just know that I'm making fun of you, January - November.
.....But when December rolls around and I turn on lite 102, I literally hear music to my ears. Everything you've done for the past year is forgotten and my sarcasm is melted into utmost respect. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you.
I don't care if you're Jewish, Kwanzan, Christian, an Atheist, a believer that Tim Allen really is Santa Claus or a non believer ....when that song comes on your mood is lifted 3 notches and you are looking for someone to sing it to. I have never in my life been more reminded of how musically non-talented I am, than during the 3 minutes and 55 seconds that this song is being played, and yet somehow the song makes all that okay. It somehow makes it okay to be alone at Christmas. Somehow, it makes it okay to have a cartoon music video.
Without this song, there would be empty, silent kitchens when there should be women baking cookies in them. Without this song, there would be empty Facebook statuses on girls' pages. Without this song, my dad would have nothing to listen to in the background of his nightly spider solitaire game (December only. January - November it's Leona Lewis' Bleeding Love).
I guess you could call this song a Christmas miracle. It has lassoed my heart and won't let go. So, thank you, Mariah Carey. If it weren't for this song, the Grinch probably would have successfully stolen Christmas.