Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear Best Friend's Boyfriend


Dear Best Friend’s Boyfriend,

Yesterday, when you called me….initially I was confused. Do I like you? Yes. Do I consider you a friend? Yes. Do we ever call each other? No, we don’t. Plus, I was in the middle of an Always Sunny episode when my phone rang so you understand why I didn’t answer…. But ten minutes later my phone receives a text message from you. Let me remind you what it said: “Hey, do you know what size ring she is?”
I freeze. You must know where my thoughts immediately go. Its Christmas time, you love my amazing best friend….. why wouldn’t I immediately assume that you are trying to, as Beyonce says, “put a ring on it”? Am I crazzzy? No, I’m not crazy. You’re going to ask my best friend to marry you. I mute the tv and am taken to the wedding day.  I see you on the altar and we’re waiting for her to come down. How did this happppen? Selfishly I get upset because I’m losing another best friend and marriage opens up a completely new can of worms that I do not understood. I’m single. I’m alone. I have zero prospects. My last date was a disaster and you want me to give you my blessing to take her hand in holy matrimony. You’re crazy mister!! No I’m not telling you her ring size!!!!!!!!

I text back, “Are you about to do what I think you are about to do?” I patiently await your answer. What am I going to do when you say you’re going to propose to her? Do I tell her so she can be prepared or do I keep it a secret so it’s special? How soon are you guys going to get married? I have a solid thirty pounds to lose before this wedding so I need some time. Not a full minute goes by when I receive another text. I stared at the unopened message from you. This is it. “Haha no no no!!! It’s a shiva shell ring for Christmas.”

Oh. Oh she’s going to looooove that. Really thoughtful gift. “Good idea!! She’s a seven.” Then you texted a picture of it next to the necklace you’re getting her as well. And you explain the other two attentive presents you’re also putting in her stocking. Merry Christmas to her. I text back, “Such considerate presents!! She’ll seriously wear those all the time – shes a very lucky girl!” Relaxed and happy that my best friend has such a great guy, I un-mute the Always Sunny episode. Then I receive one last text message, “Well I have to disagree with you there – I’m the lucky one.”  ………………………….. “Okay, now I’m going to barf. But good job on the present.”
You really need to be more careful about wording your text messages. Can’t wait for your wedding one day.

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