Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A Dedication to Disney Princes

A Dedication to Disney Princes

When I was a little girl, I had a passion for Disney animated movies. Belle from Beauty and the Beast? I thought I was her. She had brown hair, and so did I, so that makes sense. Oh please, if you tell me you didn’t want to be a guest at the enchanted castle you’re an idiot and you’re also lying.

Alert, alert, alert. The reason I wanted to be those Disney princesses is not because they were that cool (looking back they really weren’t that cool at all, they were kind of annoying and incompetent)…it is because I wanted their men. I was in love with every single Disney prince out there, with good reason. 

Below you will find the top 5 Disney men, in particular order.

5. Max - A Goofy Movie
Principal Mazer is the worst.
Cool hair, a performer, and a heart the size of Texas. Where do I sign? He's basically Justin Bieber. Note: the term "prince" is held loosely here....Max has got a hysterical dad so family gatherings will be awesome.....but Goofy is far from a King. Unless you mean a King of Comedy...........then yes.

4. Simba (older years) – The Lion King
He's a sue me.
Disney knew exactly what they were doing when they cast J.T.T. (Jonathan Taylor Thomas if you're an idiot and didn't know his nickname) as the voice of Simba in his younger years. He got us hooked early. Simba has the aura of being the boy next door we grew up with and eventually declared our love to. He's that carefree guy that you want to challenge to rise to his great potential. Ugh. Nala – I totally get it, girl.

3. Monsieur D'Arque – Beauty and the Beast
Sugar Daddy
 I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

3. Dimitri - Anastasia
He RSVP'd yes to my invitation.
Dimitri is so hot that he was invited to be on this list even though he isn’t Disney (Anastasia was a 20th Century Fox). What’s even better than his charming smile and great hair (fine, this whole list has great hair)? His whit and “I don’t care about you” attitude (until he does care about Anya!!! Yeahhh!!!………… and he cared about that annoying dog the entire was obvious).

2. Aladdin – Aladdin (ugh, the movie is named after him, that’s awesome)
You saw this one coming. When you first noticed that this was about Disney princes being attractive your heart went straight to streets of Agrabah. ...It’s obvious. When a gorgeous looking guy is sweet enough to give up his loaf of bread to a child that is clearly in more need, his hotness is multiplied by a zillion (give or take a few) and no girl would be moronic enough to deny him. Plus, he’s good with animals (Abu) annnd he gave up his last wish for his friend Genie. Come on. ..............fine, Aladdin, I'll marry you.

1.       Prince Eric – The Little Mermaid
Those are my hands on his shoulders.
OH COME ON – WHAT A DREAM!!!! He’s a dream. Dark hair, tan skin, easy going personality, blue eyes, perfect teeth, muscles.... I had no choice but to make him #1. Prince Eric is a spinning image of the gorgeous and charismatic John Hamm during his high school years, #Istolethatjokefrom30Rock.  Of course Ariel gave her voice to that fat octopus to get a pair of legs…Eric is not going to fall for some smelly fish. You know how that statue of him broke and Ariel found his statue face and fell in love with it? That happened to me too. I would do pretty much anything to make Prince Eric mine…and if that meant brushing my hair with a fork and looking like an idiot, then fine. 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Dear Text Messaging

Dear Text Messaging,

Oh you….you and your world-wide fans. You were the underdog to the cell phone device. Taking the back seat to calls made and received. Previous to the year 2004-ish, you were only used for such quick messages as “Leaving now” and “Good night”. You were convenient and that was all. And now? Hate it or love it, the underdog’s on top… and guess what? I hate it.

Actually, I love you. I love when my phone beeps – “oh? someone took time out of his/her day to tell me something? I wonder what they want to tell me.” Who doesn't love that? Everyone loves that. 

Whirl-A-Hurl: motion sickness bags provided
But, I hate you. What I hate is what happens when the sun goes down on the weekends and the bottoms of my beers go up. The ease in which you can turn a run of the mill night out into a whirl-a-hurl of emotion is unnerving. I can’t comprehend the commanding lead that you have over my brain late at night. Frankly, I'm concerned.

“I haven’t talked to him all week. I don’t even want to be talking to him. Should I text him to make sure he knows I don’t want to be talking to him? Yes - great idea."

I wonder how girls managed to humiliate themselves when you didn't exit.

Back in the olden days, before everybody had you literally at their fingertips, I think I remember having actual conversations. I think they may have even been in person. It seems archaic, I know….the thought of two people meeting at the same location, sitting down and using extensive vocabulary beyond a certain number of “characters” to convey their feelings. Sooo old school.

And yet, I wonder. I wonder if I’d have felt fulfilled with our conversation, if the guy I had been seeing for 5 months had looked me in the eye and told me he doesn’t feel like he’s ready for a relationship. If I had seen the concern on his face and the struggle in his tone, maybe I would have been a little more understanding and compassionate. If I knew he took time out of his life, to sit with me and hold my hand while I got upset, maybe I would have walked away feeling like this all sucks, but in the end it will be okay.

Instead, the end started through you.  An entire evening’s worth of back and forth, sending and receiving, getting nowhere. The whole thing left me with such a feeling of dissatisfaction, of unworthiness. Seeing the words “I’m sorry” in my inbox does not convey remorse no matter how many times he sends it.

The worst part is it’s my fault. It’s my fault he felt it was okay to “discuss things” through you, because I allowed it to happen. I fed the fire instead of putting it out as soon as I felt things were off. It would have been so easy to say “let’s talk about this next time we see each other”. We owed it to each other and you handicapped us.... but I allowed it all to happen.

And so, I “move on”. I go out to the bars and throw a few back. I’ll smile at the cute boys and ignore the short ones. I will genuinely have a good time. Will I habitually check my phone to see if he’s thinking of me? Yes. Will I answer right away if he says he misses me? Yes. Will it be anything worth believing in the morning? No. Conversations are meant to be conversed. The convenience of using you, text messaging, is nice, but a discussion is not meant to be convenient. It will take much, much longer to get over this boy than it would have if we didn’t lean on you for everything.

But, here’s my cliché to all of this – you live and learn. And I bet you didn't see that one coming!

Mark my words! Text them to all the nations! I will never allow you to be the driver in a relationship of mine. I will use you for convenience and convenience only! Maybe some funny jokes/media messages too.

So - boys? Saddle up. You’re going to have to actually talk. If you want to spend time with me, I’d like you to ask me while we are in a situation where I can look at your face. I’d like to see your nervous smile and see you stumble over your words. I'd like to feel you being genuine to me instead of assuming it.

No proof reading what you say while you use our friend, text messaging… we’re live, baby! And I’m not talking about Skype, either!!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Dear Ex-Boyfriend of a Year and a Half

" this..your new girlfriend?" I asked while smiling
Dear Ex-Boyfriend of a Year and a Half,

                I really hate being friends with you on Facebook still and I’m freakishly close to de-friending you. Elaborate? Well okay, if you’re asking…
You’re awful for getting a new girlfriend before I found a new boyfriend. Your new girlfriend is a former model. She is stick thin, has perfect skin and long shiny hair. Do you know what your new girlfriend after me was supposed to look like? She was supposed to be a former hunchback. She was supposed to have a real lumpy back from the surgery she got to remove her hunchback when she was 12 years old. Your new girlfriend was supposed to be really butch where people questioned whether she was even a girl or not; maybe going as far as calling her a she/he because they don’t want to offend her/him. She was supposed to be addicted to eating toilet paper. She was supposed to have only one tooth.
Your new girlfriend is charmingly sarcastic while at the same time lovingly optimistic. Yes, I looked at her Facebook profile. I am so mad at her for being so cool. Your new girlfriend is supposed to be a mute who farts all the time. She was supposed to be so annoying that people panic when they see her coming. She was supposed to be so oblivious to the world that even though people were picking their eyeballs out when they saw her, she would smile like a baboon and cross her arms waiting for them to say hi back. Her social life was supposed to consist of looking at other people’s Facebook events and clicking “attending” even though she was never initially invited. She was supposed to only own turtlenecks and velour pants. She was supposed to work at Taco Bell.
So……now I hate you because you have an awesome new girlfriend and I’m still alone and fat. I have no intention of ending this with some sort of “I’m happy you’re happy”….because I’m not. I’d rather you were alone. I’d be much happier if you weren’t so happy. Selfish? Honest. When you guys break up I will throw a celebratory party. It will be invite only. You aren’t invited. 

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Dear Santa Claus

Dear Santa Claus,

Merry Christmas Eve Eve! I’m sorry my list is late, but at least I’m sending it. These are the things I would like this year:

  • World peace
  •  A winning lottery ticket for at least 5 million dollars
  •  A super bowl win for the Ravens
  • Santa Blanket
  • Jason Segel
  •  60 lbs extra weight on my ex boyfriend’s new model girlfriend
  • Bob Harper living with me so that I will do everything right to have the perfect body
  •  J. Crew’s collection for each season shipped to my house
  • Tickets to Medieval Times
  • And more drinking themed nights at the Science Center

    Santa Blanket

For the items that you can’t wrap, if you could just write down what it is on a piece of paper and put that in a box to wrap so I still get to open it, I’d appreciate it.

And just some clarifications on certain items: Jason Segel doesn’t necessarily have to be my boyfriend but I’d like to be at least really good friends with him and for us to have a loving relationship. But if he is romantically interested and asks me to run away together, I would. Bob Harper will be coming with us.

Thanks Santa.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear Best Friend's Boyfriend


Dear Best Friend’s Boyfriend,

Yesterday, when you called me….initially I was confused. Do I like you? Yes. Do I consider you a friend? Yes. Do we ever call each other? No, we don’t. Plus, I was in the middle of an Always Sunny episode when my phone rang so you understand why I didn’t answer…. But ten minutes later my phone receives a text message from you. Let me remind you what it said: “Hey, do you know what size ring she is?”
I freeze. You must know where my thoughts immediately go. Its Christmas time, you love my amazing best friend….. why wouldn’t I immediately assume that you are trying to, as Beyonce says, “put a ring on it”? Am I crazzzy? No, I’m not crazy. You’re going to ask my best friend to marry you. I mute the tv and am taken to the wedding day.  I see you on the altar and we’re waiting for her to come down. How did this happppen? Selfishly I get upset because I’m losing another best friend and marriage opens up a completely new can of worms that I do not understood. I’m single. I’m alone. I have zero prospects. My last date was a disaster and you want me to give you my blessing to take her hand in holy matrimony. You’re crazy mister!! No I’m not telling you her ring size!!!!!!!!

I text back, “Are you about to do what I think you are about to do?” I patiently await your answer. What am I going to do when you say you’re going to propose to her? Do I tell her so she can be prepared or do I keep it a secret so it’s special? How soon are you guys going to get married? I have a solid thirty pounds to lose before this wedding so I need some time. Not a full minute goes by when I receive another text. I stared at the unopened message from you. This is it. “Haha no no no!!! It’s a shiva shell ring for Christmas.”

Oh. Oh she’s going to looooove that. Really thoughtful gift. “Good idea!! She’s a seven.” Then you texted a picture of it next to the necklace you’re getting her as well. And you explain the other two attentive presents you’re also putting in her stocking. Merry Christmas to her. I text back, “Such considerate presents!! She’ll seriously wear those all the time – shes a very lucky girl!” Relaxed and happy that my best friend has such a great guy, I un-mute the Always Sunny episode. Then I receive one last text message, “Well I have to disagree with you there – I’m the lucky one.”  ………………………….. “Okay, now I’m going to barf. But good job on the present.”
You really need to be more careful about wording your text messages. Can’t wait for your wedding one day.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dear Total Lunar Eclipse

Dear Total Lunar Eclipse,

Xzibit: Still living?
Today’s date, December 21, 2010, marks a date in history.  This is the date that you have arrived for basically only North America’s viewing pleasure. Thanks for playing favorites. I love America too.

I’m not sure if you’re completely aware, but you are a rare specimen and a sight to see.  So, when I learned that you would be arriving in the middle of the night, I did nothing other than to make plans with my roommate to set our alarms for the middle of the night to come see you.

In preparation, what I had to do was a little research on you. Yes, I knew what an eclipse was. But off the top of my head could I freely explain what one was? No. Sue me.

I did no messing around and went straight to for my research. Only the best. Click, click, click….here I am at an illustration of specifically what you look like: Boom. That site is lots of things I don’t understand but it looks awesome. I kept that tab open for reference but then just went to Wikipedia and brushed up on this, “A lunar eclipse occurs when the moon passes behind the earth so that the earth blocks the sun's rays from striking the moon. This can occur only when the Sun, Earth, and Moon are aligned exactly, or very closely so, with the Earth in the middle. Hence, there is always a full moon the night of a lunar eclipse. The type and length of an eclipse depend upon the Moon's location relative to its orbital nodes.” Orbital nodes totally sounds like something they’d eat on Fear Factor during the second challenge.

Satisfied with my research, my roommate and I went to our bed chambers and slept. I get awakened at around 2:30 a.m. by my roommate gently walking; we have notably thin divisions in our house. I put on boots and my thickest coat and we head up to our rooftop deck to see you.

Instantly upon viewing you I am completely satisfied with the decision to wake up to see you. You are beautiful and orange and I have this strange urge that I can pick you out of the sky and eat you as if you really were made of cheese; it is a feeling of joy. My roommate is taken aback as well, but in a different sense; more eerie. She keeps asking me if I’m freaked out; as if you are going to send an orange beam right for us and snatch us into your shadows. I ignored her question because I was in awe of how awesome earth/space science was. Then I pushed my glasses up further on my nose and picked a wedgie.

Probably giving more credit to my naked eye than I should, I announce to my roommate that I feel as if I can see you getting darker and darker as we stand here. Her response, “Well, it’s going to get completely blacked out.” After about five full Mississippi seconds of pausing, I reply, “The moon is soooo drunk.” We had a good laugh on that one.

After that laugh, we got bored and decided to go back to bed. Also, I owe my roommate an apology for ignoring her when she was freaked out….. because as I was locking our roof deck door, I got a whiff of being freaked out and completely rushed as I used to do when I was a little girl trying to frantically get out of the unfinished basement.

We said goodnight and returned to our rooms. I turned on the television to calm down from all your excitement and Lopez Tonight pops up (TBS is typical for me for The Office re-runs). I was getting ready to change it, but the guest was Xzibit from Pimp My Ride…..I didn’t know he was still alive, let alone, in the entertainment business!!!…then I remembered that it’s Lopez Tonight that he’s on and everything made sense.     I laughed out loud, and on that note, I turned off the tube, rolled over and fell asleep smiling thanks to you and Xzibit. Without you guys, my night would have been mediocre at best; but now, it’s one marked for history.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear Last Night's Date

Five Guys' large fry. Perfect for a first date.

Dear Last Night's Date,
No, I can't go out with you again. I've made a list of the top ten reasons last night's first date didn't quite work out. This is for all the ladies who may go on a first date with you in the future. Feel free to print it and carry it with you always......maybe in your wallet?
10. "Sure, I'll meet up with you tonight. Where do you want to go?"....."Meet me at Dave & Busters." ..........."What? Oh...okay.."
If I start making fun of Dave & Busters I won't stop... so I'm just going to leave #10 as is.
9. As we first meet up, you walk up to me while talking on your phone, you hug me, pull away and say to the person you're talking to, "Yeah man, I gotta roll, I found my girl" and then you winked at me. ..................What?
Good thing you showed up on your phone so I know you have friends and your time is limited. And I must be crazy because I didn't know that agreeing to one date means I'm your girl? Am I supposed to wink back at you? I don't.....I don't understand.
8. Without even saying hi, you say, "Change of plans, we're going to Five Guys. Can you drive us?"...................What?
Five Guys: delicious cheeseburgers and greasy fries. Exactly what I want to be eating on a first date. Not. I love Five Guys, I do. But Five Guys is where I go when I'm in a fat mood and want to stuff my face and have stretchy pants on. There's peanut dust on the floor and obese people staring at me. You put ketchup all over the fries without asking. That is the worst thing you could ever do to me; there's nothing I hate more than ketchup. I still don't understand why I drove us from Dave & Busters to Five Guys, by the way.
7. "You look like a girl who likes traditional guys so I'm going to offer you my arm." ..."You're right, I do, thank you." ..........I get elbowed square in the boob. I assume it's an accident and that neither of us will say anything......................."Haha I accidentally just elbowed you in the boob. It was nice, I'm glad it happened."..........."What?"
You're shameless.
6. While sitting in Five Guys, "Hey I want you to take off your coat." ...."Take off my coat? It's cold outside!" ...."No no no, we're inside, take off your coat. I want to see your figure." ....."You want to see my figure?"...."Yeah, I want to know what I'll be working with in a couple of weeks."............"What?"
My coat stayed on the entire night.
5. While sitting across from each other, in Five Guys, you BBM'd me to ask if you could kiss me. .............."What?"
I just witnessed you eating an obscene amount of ketchup. It's bad enough that you asked to kiss me but you BBM'd the question while we are looking at each other. That's only fun if there's someone else in the picture and we are BBMing about that third person to make fun of them. That's actually a really amusing hobby of mine. I'm sorry that the BBM is marked as read and that I never responded..... but no, you can't kiss me in Five Guys.
4. This part of the night was kind of weird when you asked me...."Have you heard the new Glenn Lewis song?"............."Oh I don't know who Glenn Lewis is..?" ....."He is a sexy R&B singer." ..."Hm no I've never heard of him."......"Well his new song reminds me of you." ......."Is that a good thing or?.." ......"Oh yeah girl, look up the lyrics when you get home. It's called Good One."........"Oh, alright.."
3. You purposely showed me that you put my number in your phone as "Beautiful Brown Eyes" instead of my name.
Thank you?
2. We met at a bar. You asked if we could lie to people...."I hate that we met at a bar. Lets make up a story right now about how we met and we'll tell everyone that version so we don't have to say we met at a bar. Let's say we met at the Smithsonian in front of their latest exhibition."...................."You want to.....what?"
I'm not sure why you are under the impression we will be telling the story of how we met in the first place, because we won't be. We met at a bar and our story will not be repeated to anyone beyond this blog. So sorry. The Smithsonian is very unrealistic, by the way. I'm the girl and even I recognize that that is straight out of a romantic comedy and it is neverrr going to happen.
1. "How do you feel about having bi-racial babies? They're usually a lot prettier and way smarter than other babies." .................................."Holy moly man I cannot answer this question." ....."Hah did I scare you?" ..........
Yes. Goodnight. See you never. Thanks for the burger.