Dear Ex-Boyfriend of a Year and a Half

"Oh....is this..your new girlfriend?" I asked while smiling

Dear Ex-Boyfriend of a Year and a Half,

                I really hate being friends with you on Facebook still and I’m freakishly close to de-friending you. Elaborate? Well okay, if you’re asking…

You’re awful for getting a new girlfriend before I found a new boyfriend. Your new girlfriend is a former model. She is stick thin, has perfect skin and long shiny hair. Do you know what your new girlfriend after me was supposed to look like? She was supposed to be a former hunchback. She was supposed to have a real lumpy back from the surgery she got to remove her hunchback when she was 12 years old. Your new girlfriend was supposed to be really butch where people questioned whether she was even a girl or not; maybe going as far as calling her a she/he because they don’t want to offend her/him. She was supposed to be addicted to eating toilet paper. She was supposed to have only one tooth.

Your new girlfriend is charmingly sarcastic while at the same time lovingly optimistic. Yes, I looked at her Facebook profile. I am so mad at her for being so cool. Your new girlfriend is supposed to be a mute who farts all the time. She was supposed to be so annoying that people panic when they see her coming. She was supposed to be so oblivious to the world that even though people were picking their eyeballs out when they saw her, she would smile like a baboon and cross her arms waiting for them to say hi back. Her social life was supposed to consist of looking at other people’s Facebook events and clicking “attending” even though she was never initially invited. She was supposed to only own turtlenecks and velour pants. She was supposed to work at Taco Bell.

So……now I hate you because you have an awesome new girlfriend and I’m still alone and fat. I have no intention of ending this with some sort of “I’m happy you’re happy”….because I’m not. I’d rather you were alone. I’d be much happier if you weren’t so happy. Selfish? Honest. When you guys break up I will throw a celebratory party. It will be invite only. You aren’t invited.