Dear Last Night's Date

Five Guys' large fry. Perfect for a first date.

Dear Last Night's Date,

No, I can't go out with you again. I've made a list of the top ten reasons last night's first date didn't quite work out. This is for all the ladies who may go on a first date with you in the future. Feel free to print it and carry it with you always......maybe in your wallet?

10. "Sure, I'll meet up with you tonight. Where do you want to go?"....."Meet me at Dave & Busters." ..........."What? Oh...okay.."

If I start making fun of Dave & Busters I won't stop... so I'm just going to leave #10 as is.

9. As we first meet up, you walk up to me while talking on your phone, you hug me, pull away and say to the person you're talking to, "Yeah man, I gotta roll, I found my girl" and then you winked at me. ..................What?

Good thing you showed up on your phone so I know you have friends and your time is limited. And I must be crazy because I didn't know that agreeing to one date means I'm your girl? Am I supposed to wink back at you? I don't.....I don't understand.

8. Without even saying hi, you say, "Change of plans, we're going to Five Guys. Can you drive us?"...................What?

Five Guys: delicious cheeseburgers and greasy fries. Exactly what I want to be eating on a first date. Not. I love Five Guys, I do. But Five Guys is where I go when I'm in a fat mood and want to stuff my face and have stretchy pants on. There's peanut dust on the floor and obese people staring at me. You put ketchup all over the fries without asking. That is the worst thing you could ever do to me; there's nothing I hate more than ketchup. I still don't understand why I drove us from Dave & Busters to Five Guys, by the way.

7. "You look like a girl who likes traditional guys so I'm going to offer you my arm." ..."You're right, I do, thank you." ..........I get elbowed square in the boob. I assume it's an accident and that neither of us will say anything......................."Haha I accidentally just elbowed you in the boob. It was nice, I'm glad it happened."..........."What?"

You're shameless.

6. While sitting in Five Guys, "Hey I want you to take off your coat." ...."Take off my coat? It's cold outside!" ...."No no no, we're inside, take off your coat. I want to see your figure." ....."You want to see my figure?"...."Yeah, I want to know what I'll be working with in a couple of weeks."............"What?"

My coat stayed on the entire night.

5. While sitting across from each other, in Five Guys, you BBM'd me to ask if you could kiss me. .............."What?"

I just witnessed you eating an obscene amount of ketchup. It's bad enough that you asked to kiss me but you BBM'd the question while we are looking at each other. That's only fun if there's someone else in the picture and we are BBMing about that third person to make fun of them. That's actually a really amusing hobby of mine. I'm sorry that the BBM is marked as read and that I never responded..... but no, you can't kiss me in Five Guys.

4. This part of the night was kind of weird when you asked me...."Have you heard the new Glenn Lewis song?"............."Oh I don't know who Glenn Lewis is..?" ....."He is a sexy R&B singer." ..."Hm no I've never heard of him."......"Well his new song reminds me of you." ......."Is that a good thing or?.." ......"Oh yeah girl, look up the lyrics when you get home. It's called Good One."........"Oh, alright.."

I did. http://batlyrics.com/good_one-lyrics-glenn_lewis.html .....What?

3. You purposely showed me that you put my number in your phone as "Beautiful Brown Eyes" instead of my name.

Thank you?

2. We met at a bar. You asked if we could lie to people...."I hate that we met at a bar. Lets make up a story right now about how we met and we'll tell everyone that version so we don't have to say we met at a bar. Let's say we met at the Smithsonian in front of their latest exhibition."...................."You want to.....what?"

I'm not sure why you are under the impression we will be telling the story of how we met in the first place, because we won't be. We met at a bar and our story will not be repeated to anyone beyond this blog. So sorry. The Smithsonian is very unrealistic, by the way. I'm the girl and even I recognize that that is straight out of a romantic comedy and it is neverrr going to happen.

1. "How do you feel about having bi-racial babies? They're usually a lot prettier and way smarter than other babies." .................................."Holy moly man I cannot answer this question." ....."Hah did I scare you?" ..........

Yes. Goodnight. See you never. Thanks for the burger.